this post is really personal, please respect it.

Warning: Entri ini tiada niat untuk menyinggung perasaan sesiapa atau membuka pekung di dada sendiri. Ini apa yang aku pendam dari dulu.

This is going to be very personal and please don't question anything because this is what I have been feeling ever since I entered matrix. Please jangan pandang serong atau apa-apa sebab entri ni memang akan menunjukkan keburukkan saya sedikit sebanyak.

Sebelum saya masuk matriks, memang saya mengaku.. saya selalu lupa solat. Kadang-kadang mama tanya saya dah solat ke belum tapi saya kata dah walaupun saya tak buat lagi. Kalau mama outstation, memang tak sentuh telekung la. Sometimes, boleh kira berapa kali saya solat dalam sebulan and seriously, I am never proud of it. Memang saya mengaku, rasa serabut gila bila tak solat langsung. Kadang-kadang terfikir jugak nak solat, tapi lepas terleka sikit, terus lupa. Dulu, saya ada sepupu yang memang kuat solat, selalu bangun solat hajat, tahajud semua and I sort of laughed at him. I was laughing at something that is right.

Things changed after I entered matrix.

90% orang dekat sana memang religious gila. Jenis yang pergi surau time azan, dengar kuliah subuh, puasa sunat without fail.. Roommates saya pula budak sekolah agama. The first few days saya kat sana, memang rasa berat gila sebab tak biasa dengan environment baru. Semua memang akan kejutkan pukul 6 dan solat subuh sama-sama. I never experienced anything like that before. Malam-malam bila dorang baca al-Quran, saya duduk tepi.. baca buku tapi dalam hati asyik-asyik cakap, sumpah dorang rajin gila.

The main point of this entry is, I am jealous of people who have strong faith. Memang saya mengaku, saya pakai tudung memang bersebab. Satu, almost all of the girls there wear tudung. Dua, cikgu dekat sana semua pakai tudung. Tiga, saya malas nak jaga rambut. All the wrong reasons. I adore those people who wear tudung willingly, without any reasons. I am always jealous of them. I wonder sometimes, am I going to be like that too and if yes, when is it? Ada satu malam, hati tergerak nak tengok buku panduan solat yang mama bagi. Lepas berhabuk baru la saya bukak. Malam tu baru saya sedar banyak benda saya tak tahu. I was ashamed of myself.

Semenjak tu, saya memang tak gelakkan perempuan pakai tudung labuh, lelaki pakai kopiah pergi kuliah dan lain lain. People like them deserve respect more than us. Their faith is stronger than ours. And I adore the girls who wear tudung willingly. They sacrifised something that is really precious to be closer to God. People like us, we have to think it over and over again to do it while those girls, it took them a night to change everything. I respect those girls. I really do. Sekarang, semua benda betul, disalahkan. Semua benda salah, dibetulkan. We poison our minds. Tapi saya tak cakap la semua yang nampak alim tu memang baik gila, ada jugak perangai lagi teruk dari perempuan tak bertudung.

The point is, I am jealous of those who have strong faith.

P/S: Mama, if mama terjumpa entri ni.. Mintak maaf banyak banyak in advance. Erk.